ITALY IS BEAUTIFULISSIMO (ALMOST AS MUCH AS OHIO)

Dear America,

We have been spending a lot of time in Italy lately (don't be offended lol), and we decided that we need to let you know some things. As we all know, FASHUN and PEEING are two important things. So we are going to talk about them.

PEEING IN ITALY (where, how to, and WHY)

WHERE TO PEE: Dude. Fuck if I know. It is one of the great mysteries of Italy. Some places will let you go in and pee for free, but mostly they are shady places like the Bar Birreria. Also we're pretty sure they're only okay with it because we have boobs. (Including Logan.) You can also pay 50 euro cents to some creepy old lady in a shady alleyway behind the campo. Legit. Restaurants and things will also let you pee for free, but only if you buy a lot of shit from them first. (And then you have to pee double, so it's a losing situation, pretty much.) Basically, the entirity of your day should be planned around how often you have to pee and where the free places are.

HOW TO PEE (read "flush"): The great thing about Italian potties (AND SINKS!) is that every one is different. Every time you pee, it's an adventure and a test of your intelligence and rapid decision-making skills under pressure. FOR EXAMPLE: My potty at home has a stick out of the wall that looks like you should push it down. That doesn't work. Then you think, well maybe I could turn it? False. What you actually do is push it into the wall. Well, first you pull it out and then you push it in. Other potties have the pipe bits mounted very high on the wall with a little metal tab sticking out of the bottom that you have to push up. Some potties have huge buttons on the wall. Even more potties have chains you pull. How adventurous! The ways to flush a potty are endless, and I think probably there is a group of Italians who sit around all day brainstorming new ways to confuse the masses. Dirty bastards. (BASTERDSLOLBRADPITTANDSHIT.)

ALSO, not only are there 17001 ways to flush the toilet in Italy, some places ALSO have foot-operated sinks. Actually, it's pretty nice to have a foot-operated sink (once you know they exist, because before that you just hit the faucet until the few remaining drops of water from the person who did know how to work the sink come out. Also you spend way too long waving your hands under the faucet in hopes that it is secretly one of those motion-sensor deals. You probably also twist the faucet and poke at other parts of the sink for a long time, soap already on your hands wondering what the fuck you're supposed to do, and why are there paper towels if the god damn sink is broken anyway, and shouldn't they have posted an out of order sign, for fuck's sake?) because the other sinks' handles usually don't work well and the water drips forever, or also sometimes the sink SQUAWKS at you like a dirty whore for using water, and it's just an all around stressful situation. Anyway, foot-pedal sinks are pretty cool.

WHY: Vino, man. Also those strawberry drinks that are pretty much just vodka and sugar and a coupla strawberry bits.

WASN'T THAT LESSON FUN?????!!?!?!???!

Let's learn about fashion! Hell yes.

FASHION IN ITALIA

PURPLE: If you are not wearing it right now, you are probably really lame and have no friends. Also, it has to be the right SHADE of purple. None of that royal bullshit. Lilac all the way. Even on the gentlemen. (And by gentlemen I mean skeezy greasy-haired Italians, since that is mostly what we encounter.)

That is pretty much it on fashion.

XOXO,
Gossip Flushers