ITALY IS BEAUTIFULISSIMO (ALMOST AS MUCH AS OHIO)

Dear America,

We have been spending a lot of time in Italy lately (don't be offended lol), and we decided that we need to let you know some things. As we all know, FASHUN and PEEING are two important things. So we are going to talk about them.

PEEING IN ITALY (where, how to, and WHY)

WHERE TO PEE: Dude. Fuck if I know. It is one of the great mysteries of Italy. Some places will let you go in and pee for free, but mostly they are shady places like the Bar Birreria. Also we're pretty sure they're only okay with it because we have boobs. (Including Logan.) You can also pay 50 euro cents to some creepy old lady in a shady alleyway behind the campo. Legit. Restaurants and things will also let you pee for free, but only if you buy a lot of shit from them first. (And then you have to pee double, so it's a losing situation, pretty much.) Basically, the entirity of your day should be planned around how often you have to pee and where the free places are.

HOW TO PEE (read "flush"): The great thing about Italian potties (AND SINKS!) is that every one is different. Every time you pee, it's an adventure and a test of your intelligence and rapid decision-making skills under pressure. FOR EXAMPLE: My potty at home has a stick out of the wall that looks like you should push it down. That doesn't work. Then you think, well maybe I could turn it? False. What you actually do is push it into the wall. Well, first you pull it out and then you push it in. Other potties have the pipe bits mounted very high on the wall with a little metal tab sticking out of the bottom that you have to push up. Some potties have huge buttons on the wall. Even more potties have chains you pull. How adventurous! The ways to flush a potty are endless, and I think probably there is a group of Italians who sit around all day brainstorming new ways to confuse the masses. Dirty bastards. (BASTERDSLOLBRADPITTANDSHIT.)

ALSO, not only are there 17001 ways to flush the toilet in Italy, some places ALSO have foot-operated sinks. Actually, it's pretty nice to have a foot-operated sink (once you know they exist, because before that you just hit the faucet until the few remaining drops of water from the person who did know how to work the sink come out. Also you spend way too long waving your hands under the faucet in hopes that it is secretly one of those motion-sensor deals. You probably also twist the faucet and poke at other parts of the sink for a long time, soap already on your hands wondering what the fuck you're supposed to do, and why are there paper towels if the god damn sink is broken anyway, and shouldn't they have posted an out of order sign, for fuck's sake?) because the other sinks' handles usually don't work well and the water drips forever, or also sometimes the sink SQUAWKS at you like a dirty whore for using water, and it's just an all around stressful situation. Anyway, foot-pedal sinks are pretty cool.

WHY: Vino, man. Also those strawberry drinks that are pretty much just vodka and sugar and a coupla strawberry bits.

WASN'T THAT LESSON FUN?????!!?!?!???!

Let's learn about fashion! Hell yes.

FASHION IN ITALIA

PURPLE: If you are not wearing it right now, you are probably really lame and have no friends. Also, it has to be the right SHADE of purple. None of that royal bullshit. Lilac all the way. Even on the gentlemen. (And by gentlemen I mean skeezy greasy-haired Italians, since that is mostly what we encounter.)

That is pretty much it on fashion.

XOXO,
Gossip Flushers

The 80s - ARE THEY BACK??????

(No.)

However, a lot of important things have come out of the 80s like awfully terribly wonderful party themes for white people. And yellow blazers. And neon tights. AND PORK: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT SUNGLASSES!!!!!!!

Lately at the CoW, things have been a wee bit stressful but thankfully like all successful college students, we've been getting a little bit wasted and a lot of bit ridiculous pretty much every day, especially weekdays. Sometimes we also smoke things that are not technically legal. But only sometimes. And only while crossing Beall at like 11 o'clock, and why are we wasted at 11 again? Seems a little early. Sometimes we also drunk dial all of our sober friends at like 10 o'clock and tell them all about how we're wearing neon tights and no shirt. Things like that happen.

It's fuckin' Wooster, man.

(We put shirts back on before we drunkenly crossed Beall while smoking a joint, so no worries. Some of us actually never lost their shirts. Weird.)

In other news,

Chuck Bass II is doing pretty well with his plants and his penis snails. Except for the part where Lindsay almost killed him AGAIN by making him flop all over the desk (which, in case you were wondering, is NOT filled with water). Also forgot those damn drops again. Motherfucker, how am I supposed to remember that shit? OH the water you drink every day is actually FISH POISON WATER, seriously? What's up with that?

Speaking of Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl has not been on for like TWO WEEKS or some shit? What is that? The CW is a bunch of bitchass hookers. More importantly, the Office won't be new this week AGAIN. What is this mid-season we're going to take away the best shows bullshit? Fuck that. I'm We're going to shank so many hoes. NBC, CW. Just you wait.

Also, speaking of things that are bullshit, what is up with people just all up and jaunting off to Chicago for, like, PEACE and shit? No one likes peace anyway, and Quakers are only good for oatmeal (and even then, not that great).

[There was a section about sex here, but we took it out for everyone's sakes. Also because it was too graphic and we don't want to unleash our erotic fiction talents quite yet. Erotic fiction? Erotic facts!]

This is so much better than homework.

Also better than homework: The 80's.


That's all, gentle readers. (I like the part where no one is actually reading this.)

XOXO,
Gossip Carrots