"EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME, YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU! BABY!"

quoth the Italians, evermore. (But only Italian men. Italian women just look at you like you just rolled in mud or something or smell really bad. WHATEVER ITALIAN WOMEN, just 'cause you're hott don't mean you gotta be bitchazzz.)

Here is a story about Italy and the way weather works. For many weeks it will be roughly 1 billion degrees (80) and then all of a sudden out of nowhere it's like 50 forever. AND THERE IS NO HEATZ INDOORS. Not until November because they care about the environment so it's the law or some shit. We would rather the polar bears died so we could be warm.

FA FREDDISSISSISSIMO. (It's really fucking cold.)

ANYWAY AMERICA, what up? Here in Italy things have been pretty okay lately. Like, last weekend we went to an agriturismo (TOURIST FARM KIND OF LIKE DWIGHT'S BEET FARM BUT WITHOUT AN IRRIGATION ROOM) and watched them make olive oil and gross cheese in a bucket for a thousand hours. This sucked, so instead of paying attention we took a lot of pictures of the Tuscan wildlife, such as chickens. Seriously who wants to watch an old dude up to his elbows in cheese you're going to eat later? Not me. There was also a really great dog. (THIS PICTURE IS REAL IT IS THE REAL DOG IT IS SO REAL.)

OH WAIT ALSO here is how you harvest olives: you rake trees over a blanket. The end. (SO FUN RIGHT????????)

We have also been learning a lot about ART. Like, did you know there was a famous Sienese artist (or as famous as Sienese artists ever are, anyway) whose nickname was "The Sodomist"??? Apparently doin' it in the butt was totally cool back then. People were like, "Oh, this dude does it in the butt all the time. Also he makes really good art. Let's call him The Sodomist and let him paint in all our important buildings! God will love it." Actually, Siena has never really been that into God much. Like there are these paintings in this SECRET CRYPT under the cathedral or whatever that are all about Jesus going to school and eating figs and shit. That shit totally wouldn't fly somewhere else where they actually liked God, such as Florence (Florence sucks). (For real, worst city ever.) (WORST.) (Ever.) There's also this really great painting in some former hospital dealio where this lady is holding a baby that looks like a tiny old man and he has her boob out and he's pointing it at this crippled dude like he's totally going to squirt him in his crippled face. Best.

Also once there was a naked Eve statue in the fountain but then the plague hit and everyone was like "SHIT why is the plague here???? Probz naked EVESINNERBITCH. Get rid of her." So they did, which is sad, because I kind of wanted to look at a naked chick everyday in the campo. Also, everyone died anyway so it didn't really help much in the end. (Seriously. The plague bitchslapped 80 percent of Siena. In a dead way.)

Did we mention that it's FUCKING COLD???? Seriously, who has to wear babushka scarves INSIDE IN FLLALAAALLL AUTUMN. Us. That is the answer. We look like two little old blogging ladies blogging in the dead of a Russian winter or something. I AM WEARING TIGHTS UNDER MY PANTS. AND undies. (No undies.)

OK so also this weekend we went to the BEST GARDEN EVER. Once upon a time there was a cracked out lady with a name that doesn't matter and she made a shitload of fucked up statues based off of tarot cards. They all had the hugest boobs. Or three penises. So naturally we appreciated this fine art by climbing all over it and taking a lot of obnoxious pictures and putting them on facebook. So if you want to check out the crazy boob sculptures, check our facebooks. If you are not facebook friends with us, TOO BAD FOR YOU. Hookers.

Also we sincerely hope that our blogging antics have not cost Brin Rainflower Sunbeam Petunia Waterfall Tree Turtle Hunter Rainbow Pigeon a job. Because we love him and would never want to ruin his life in such a way. (In other ways, potentially. HEY BRIN WHATCHA DOIN FOR SPRING BREAK????? NOT THAT YOU HAVE THOSE ANYMORE BUT WE DO LET'S HANG OUT)

THIS ENTRY IS SO LONG (that's what she said) and so we're gonna wrap it up.

FUN FACT: Just like the blogging on this blog in olden days, we have been blogging IN CLASS YES. SUCK IT ITALIAN.

XOXO,
Gossip Babushkas

THE PALIO: whatitwas and whatitisnow

Okay, so here's the deal: there are these things in Siena called contrade (this word in American language is "contradas"). They are basically neighborhoods but with badass animal mascots and cool flags and shit. Sometimes certain contrade hate other contrade for some reason that is probably like 50000 years old. (I have a guess for why la torre has two enemies and is the only contrada to have two enemies. The answer is JEWS. Catholics hate Jews and, weirdly enough, Italy is Catholic.) Every year, the contrade all get together and race horses around the Campo, which is way too small to race horses around. Sometimes horses fall down and people get trampled and stuff. It's pretty exciting. BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS THIS WAY.

Once upon a time, in Siena, there was a big battle between Florence and Siena and SIENA FUCKING WON THAT SHIT even though there were way more Florentines fighting. It is because they asked Mary for help and promised to worship her forever if she helped out. Which she did, because I guess she is also badass. (Even though she got Jesus without sex.) Mary's way of helping was to be all, "Hey guys, just totally go kill all the Florentines in their sleep, it's totally cool." And Siena responded, "K." And so it was.

To remember this awesome feat and how super Mary's advice was, Siena has the Palio. Also one time when Italy was all depressed the Medici family was all, "I'm sorry you guys are sad and the country sucks. How about you just have another Palio in August. Drown your sorrows in contrada dinners." And Siena responded, "K." And so it was.

BUT BEFORE THE FOR REAL PALIO, there were lots of fake Palios. INCLUDING ONE IN WHICH PEOPLE RODE BUFFALO. COOLEST SHIT EVER. Seriously. They raced buffalo around the campo. How super would it be to see that. "Oh hey, what's up?" "Oh, not too much, just gonna race around some buffalo or some shit." "Yeah man, that's cool. I'm pickin up what you're puttin down." "Word."

Then for whatever reason Siena was like, fuck buffalos. Let's race DONKEYS FOREVER. And so they did. But it went more like this: "Oh hey, what's up?" "Oh, not too much, just gonna race around some donkeys or some shit." "Oh that sounds ok." And then it wasn't because donkeys don't race. Assholes. (ASSholes. Get it??????) So then finally it occurred to people that maybe they should race racehorses. So they did. There are 17 contrade and only 10 get to race, though, because like we said the campo just can't fit all those motherfuckers. There's some method to how they pick who races, but we didn't really get it, it sounded like bullshit. Anyway, winning the Palio(z) is a real big deal and everybody gets all excited and has like 170000 parades every day until someone else wins another Palio and then THEY have parades and basically it's parades all the time up in here. Hell, even the teams that don't win have parades, because they can. They all have kickass parading outfits (can you say MANTIGHTS????) and flags and drums and it's beautiful always.

After the Palio they have a million other things like big parties and dinners and all sorts of shit we don't even know about because we aren't in a contrada. (You have to be baptized in, FYI.)

SPEAKING OF BAPTISMS, fun fact: The horses are all baptized in the churches of their represented contrada before they race. Also if they poop in the church, that's good luck. Obviously. Other strange things: A horse can win without a rider, but a horse cannot win without its contrada headband. Both of these things have happened in the past. (How pissed would you be if your motherfucking horse won but the asshole wasn't wearing its hairpiece? Fucking shit.)

Siena also used to play other games back in the day besides racing the most random animals they could get their hands on. Lots of these games involved roleplaying, but not in a sexy way. Half the people would pretend to be Florence and the other half would play Siena, and then they would beat the shit out of each other until people died. (For real. We exaggerate a lot, but this is not one of those times.) Eventually these games were stopped because people died.

Another splendid and classy game they played was "Release a bull in the campo and you can't leave until you eat a really big lunch." Literally.

They played some shit where they just punched and kicked and bit each other to avoid killing each other, also, but I bet some people still kicked it sometimes. A good punch to the nose can do a bitch in.

The moral of this story, basically, is that Siena is the best place ever.

XOXO,
Gossip Buffalo

PS: If you want to be in a contrada, here are your animal options: elephant (best), ram (ok sometimes), snail, caterpiller (worst), dolphin, dragon, owl, rhino, leocorn (whatever the fuck that is), two headed eagle, panther, turtle, shell (not even fucking alive), porcupine, giraffe (shut up, Taylor), DINOSAUR (we wish), she-wolf (complete with teats yessssss), OR goose (suxorz).

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO,
Gossip DINORHINOS