An Inconvenient Swine Flu

Dearest Blog,

Today is a sad sad day in history. We regret to inform you, wonderful blog readers, that today is the LAST DAY OF SCIENCE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll give you a moment to dry your tears of abject despair.

We were supposed to go on a SECRET FIELD TRIP to some park to pull up weeds or something but then Mother Nature was all, "HEY HAVE LIKE 32 SECONDS OF RAIN LOL" so instead we just got really wet and now we're watching An Inconvenient Truth and eating out of a giant bowl of science candy.

But really what we want to talk about here isn't global warming. You guys know all about global warming from our blog already. This post is about something much more serious...

SWINEFLU.

Swine flu.

SWINE FLUUUUUU!!!!

Shit.

Everyone is very worried about swine flu, but thankfully drastic measures are being taken to protect us all from this deadly epidemic. For example, our school just sent out an email telling us that we should probably wash our hands after we poo. (Like that's going to happen.)

But more importantly, we know about fifty people who have gotten swine flu, including Bryn (except that he's denying it, and probably going to die). Also, Taylor's nose is starting to look decidedly piggish. We are very concerned and have considered disposing of her out of the screen/penis hole, for the sake of everyone involved. It's quite a worrisome issue.

For your assistance, therefore, we've decided to give you a list of signs that your friends (or you) might have swine flu.

It might be swine flu if:

• The subject's nose is starting to turn up in a piggish way
• The subject has begun to snort while laughing (or eating) (more than usual). ALSO the bloggers peed their pants before writing this blog. (Thanks Bryn.)
  
• the subject's fingers are beginning to separate in a worryingly Star Trek-esque way (thankfully, this means Alison cannot contract the swine flu -- be relieved)
• The subject has begun to sprout coarse dark hairs from his or her behind area
• The subject has a tail - it is curly like those french fries from Arby's (side note -- have you ever noticed how much the Arby's cowboy hat looks like a penis? what about those commercials where a hot girl comes into a room with Arby's food and an Arby's cowboy hat pops up on top of the guy's head? JUST LIKE AN ERECTION ONLY ON HIS HEAD. suspicious.)
• Or just go here: http://doihaveswineflu.org/
  

AND NOW FOR A GUEST BLOG FROM BRYN IN THE LAST SCIENCE BLOG EVER:

"the inconvient truth is not better than transformers. Meghan fox was bangers though. WE ARE WATCHING SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE 3000.
Polar bears live on glaciers, since there are no longer glaciers. they are FUCKED, but also indestrucatble."

I think mostly what we can learn from this is that Bryn can't spell. Also, we are, in fact, watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000, since Al Gore broke the TV with his uncontrollable rage against climate change, or something. So there are robots, and a movie about wagons. This shit is so good I don't even know how to make fun of it.

I feel really uncomfortable with the part where we would probably do something like this in our free time, only it wouldn't involve science. (Probably.) It would be like Mystery English Theatre 3000 and we'd make fun of Wishbone or some shit. (Holy shit, can we do that for real? Please?)

Some carrots become GOSSIP CARROTS. Oh hell yes.

Hands down best day of science ever.


XOXO,
Gossip Swine

"I'm an old-fashioned swamp lover myself..."

APPARENTLY, all the water ever on the earth is disappearing, which blows real hard. One time, the government was all, "You know what we DON'T need? Those god damn swamp bullshits." So then they paid SWAMPBUSTERS to drain all the swamps. This is why we are the smartest country ever. (Even though, in all fairness, this was a long long time ago, like before Britney Spears. And not just Womanizer-era Britney Spears, either. This was like WAY long ago, like before Baby One More Time and everything. You know, before she shaved her head, and even before she became a whore. And WAY before K-Fed and also Jamie Lynn popping out like 17 babies. Not to mention before Britney even pooped out a baby. We're talking practically the Stone Age. But with fewer swamps.)

(Britney Spears, circa CRAZY TIME 2000-something)

Blog, it's been kind of a while, like a week maybe, and we feel kind of bad about that, but we've been busy with some organic garden bullshit and its been taking a toll on our ability to blog, since there's no other time we aren't sleeping or getting it on if we aren't in this class. Maybe homework or eatin or some shit, but damn there ain't been no bloggin time. What are we going to do after this class?

(Father Time, bein a bitch and not letting us blog, circa 2009)

SUPER POLL 2009!!!!!! What should we do when we aren't together this summer?

1. SEPARATE BLOGGING (this one makes me weep a little)
   
2. VIDEOBLOGGING (I don't even know how to do that shit, but we could probably make it happen... but I don't really want it to, let's be real, you don't need to hear us and have to look at us and stuff. Maybe if we wore masks)
   
3. BLOGGING IN ITALY FOREVER! (yes) (but what about the summer when we are takin care of kids and some shit?!?!)
4. LETTING THE BLOG DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE :( :( :( :( :( :( :9 (but let's be real, no one wants that... our incredibly loyal and violent fanbase would rise up in protest and shank one million bitches at least (and while the world could deal with less bitches, we don't want our following imprisoned... yet.)

(The Great Blog Protest, circa THE FUTURE)

OH MY GOD THE DEAD ZONE. You can't escape this shit. I mean, you can TRY, but it will always find you. It knows where you are, and what you're thinking, and what you ate for dinner and the last time you pooped and EVERYTHING. It is like God in that way. Or Santa Claus. Or Sherlock Holmes/William of Baskerville. (Discussion question: Are medieval literature references ever appropriate in blogs? If so, how many may one make before he or she deserves to be ritually slaughtered?) (Note: We did write a whole article in medieval tongue... BUT IT WAS ABOUT CHUCK BASS II, which makes it more than ok.)

I think that's everything useful we have to say.

XOXO,
Gossip Swamps

PUNCHING BITCHES: IS IT OKAY?!

School cafeterias are obvious places for insightful, deep conversations. SO WE TALKED ABOUT IS IT OK TO SMACK A HO today at lunch time. Peter was all "WELL IF A GIRL BREAKS ERIC'S NOSE BECAUSE IT IS SO BIG THEN HE CAN PUNCH HER EXCEPT THEN HE'D GO TO JAIL FOREVER BECAUSE OF SEXISM." ("More like SUCKSISM," says Science Katie.) And then there was some stuff about how girls are bitchass hookers and don't take out trash so we shouldn't pay them money or something. Equal wages for equal work... who the fuck cares?

Okay or HATE CRIME??????

LET'S ALL BE PROSTITUTES, and then you'd actually make the money you deserved, like if you're hot or at least better at flagging down desperate males. Or females. Or trannies. Whatever.

Anyway, we concluded that one time Lindsay punched Eric in the stomach and he puked and it was really funny.

In other news, we haven't blogged in forever because of organic farming (IN THE SNOW WHAT) and also a dog named Panda. Who smelled. But was real cute.

DID YOU KNOW GREENHOUSES ARE LIKE 80 billion degrees even though it's cold outside? Shit mothafucka, that's what's up. Also some salad bits taste like licorice even though they are salad bits. FOOD IS SO WEIRD.

(It's like this entry has come full circle, starting with and ending with vaguely foodish things... but it's not over yet.)

AND NOW FOR A GUEST BLOG BY BRYN, PANSY-ASS BITCH IN RESIDENCE:

"As a guest-blogger, especially in this super silly blog, I feel the need to link to photos of polar bears or dildos or other shitty things that aren’t that funny. I’m not going to do that.
One of the writers punched me in the kidneys at lunchtime today
They also call me a pansy ass bitch.
I have feelings too, I don’t know if they know that.
Both my kidney and my heart hurts
My organs are having a bad day.

JKPANTFWBT (James K. Polk Ain't Nothing to Fuck With Bryn)"

Dear Bryn,
We think you're a pretty cool dood and will punch your organs less.

XOXO,
Gossip Hoes