An Inconvenient Swine Flu

Dearest Blog,

Today is a sad sad day in history. We regret to inform you, wonderful blog readers, that today is the LAST DAY OF SCIENCE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll give you a moment to dry your tears of abject despair.

We were supposed to go on a SECRET FIELD TRIP to some park to pull up weeds or something but then Mother Nature was all, "HEY HAVE LIKE 32 SECONDS OF RAIN LOL" so instead we just got really wet and now we're watching An Inconvenient Truth and eating out of a giant bowl of science candy.

But really what we want to talk about here isn't global warming. You guys know all about global warming from our blog already. This post is about something much more serious...

SWINEFLU.

Swine flu.

SWINE FLUUUUUU!!!!

Shit.

Everyone is very worried about swine flu, but thankfully drastic measures are being taken to protect us all from this deadly epidemic. For example, our school just sent out an email telling us that we should probably wash our hands after we poo. (Like that's going to happen.)

But more importantly, we know about fifty people who have gotten swine flu, including Bryn (except that he's denying it, and probably going to die). Also, Taylor's nose is starting to look decidedly piggish. We are very concerned and have considered disposing of her out of the screen/penis hole, for the sake of everyone involved. It's quite a worrisome issue.

For your assistance, therefore, we've decided to give you a list of signs that your friends (or you) might have swine flu.

It might be swine flu if:

• The subject's nose is starting to turn up in a piggish way
• The subject has begun to snort while laughing (or eating) (more than usual). ALSO the bloggers peed their pants before writing this blog. (Thanks Bryn.)
  
• the subject's fingers are beginning to separate in a worryingly Star Trek-esque way (thankfully, this means Alison cannot contract the swine flu -- be relieved)
• The subject has begun to sprout coarse dark hairs from his or her behind area
• The subject has a tail - it is curly like those french fries from Arby's (side note -- have you ever noticed how much the Arby's cowboy hat looks like a penis? what about those commercials where a hot girl comes into a room with Arby's food and an Arby's cowboy hat pops up on top of the guy's head? JUST LIKE AN ERECTION ONLY ON HIS HEAD. suspicious.)
• Or just go here: http://doihaveswineflu.org/
  

AND NOW FOR A GUEST BLOG FROM BRYN IN THE LAST SCIENCE BLOG EVER:

"the inconvient truth is not better than transformers. Meghan fox was bangers though. WE ARE WATCHING SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE 3000.
Polar bears live on glaciers, since there are no longer glaciers. they are FUCKED, but also indestrucatble."

I think mostly what we can learn from this is that Bryn can't spell. Also, we are, in fact, watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000, since Al Gore broke the TV with his uncontrollable rage against climate change, or something. So there are robots, and a movie about wagons. This shit is so good I don't even know how to make fun of it.

I feel really uncomfortable with the part where we would probably do something like this in our free time, only it wouldn't involve science. (Probably.) It would be like Mystery English Theatre 3000 and we'd make fun of Wishbone or some shit. (Holy shit, can we do that for real? Please?)

Some carrots become GOSSIP CARROTS. Oh hell yes.

Hands down best day of science ever.


XOXO,
Gossip Swine

"I'm an old-fashioned swamp lover myself..."

APPARENTLY, all the water ever on the earth is disappearing, which blows real hard. One time, the government was all, "You know what we DON'T need? Those god damn swamp bullshits." So then they paid SWAMPBUSTERS to drain all the swamps. This is why we are the smartest country ever. (Even though, in all fairness, this was a long long time ago, like before Britney Spears. And not just Womanizer-era Britney Spears, either. This was like WAY long ago, like before Baby One More Time and everything. You know, before she shaved her head, and even before she became a whore. And WAY before K-Fed and also Jamie Lynn popping out like 17 babies. Not to mention before Britney even pooped out a baby. We're talking practically the Stone Age. But with fewer swamps.)

(Britney Spears, circa CRAZY TIME 2000-something)

Blog, it's been kind of a while, like a week maybe, and we feel kind of bad about that, but we've been busy with some organic garden bullshit and its been taking a toll on our ability to blog, since there's no other time we aren't sleeping or getting it on if we aren't in this class. Maybe homework or eatin or some shit, but damn there ain't been no bloggin time. What are we going to do after this class?

(Father Time, bein a bitch and not letting us blog, circa 2009)

SUPER POLL 2009!!!!!! What should we do when we aren't together this summer?

1. SEPARATE BLOGGING (this one makes me weep a little)
   
2. VIDEOBLOGGING (I don't even know how to do that shit, but we could probably make it happen... but I don't really want it to, let's be real, you don't need to hear us and have to look at us and stuff. Maybe if we wore masks)
   
3. BLOGGING IN ITALY FOREVER! (yes) (but what about the summer when we are takin care of kids and some shit?!?!)
4. LETTING THE BLOG DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE :( :( :( :( :( :( :9 (but let's be real, no one wants that... our incredibly loyal and violent fanbase would rise up in protest and shank one million bitches at least (and while the world could deal with less bitches, we don't want our following imprisoned... yet.)

(The Great Blog Protest, circa THE FUTURE)

OH MY GOD THE DEAD ZONE. You can't escape this shit. I mean, you can TRY, but it will always find you. It knows where you are, and what you're thinking, and what you ate for dinner and the last time you pooped and EVERYTHING. It is like God in that way. Or Santa Claus. Or Sherlock Holmes/William of Baskerville. (Discussion question: Are medieval literature references ever appropriate in blogs? If so, how many may one make before he or she deserves to be ritually slaughtered?) (Note: We did write a whole article in medieval tongue... BUT IT WAS ABOUT CHUCK BASS II, which makes it more than ok.)

I think that's everything useful we have to say.

XOXO,
Gossip Swamps

BORED IN YOUR CAFETERIA?!?!! OMG GAMES.

Because science (esp. polar bear class) is bullshit, we're going to mix things up and help out the community by talking, not about science, but about sweet and radical games you can play in your own college cafeterias.


Find the Hot Girl (for 2-17 players)
Depending on your college campus, this game could prove incredibly challenging.



What you need:

• Eyes
• A good seat for creeping
• A hot girl

Instructions: Gather your friends and sit around a table in your cafeteria. Without being too obvious (it's a good idea to have food and drinks to at least look as though you should be there), look for a hot girl. When you've found one, point her out. You only win if everyone agrees she's hot.

I Spy a Creeper (for 2-infinite players)
Depending on your college campus, this game could be far too easy.



What you need:

• Eyes
• A well-developed sense of social acceptability
  
• Creepers

Instructions: As above, except that you're looking for the most creepy/ugly/disgusting/terrifying/unhygienic diners you can find. Also, no one wins. If you really need a winner, assign points to certain habitual creepers. The first to find them gets the points.

HINT: NEVER use the creepers' real names. Instead, assign them nicknames. Some examples include: Fox Hat Girl, Weasel Chin, Goatbeard, Baby Clown Girl, Freakishly Tall Kid, Ugly Jesus, etc.

What Is It? (for 2-infinite players)
Sometimes there are people whose gender is ambiguous. This game attempts to solve such ambiguities.


What you need:

• Eyes
• An "it"
• An inappropriate level of boldness (this game often requires it)
  

Instructions: Carefully watch as diners move about the cafeteria. If you spot a person whose gender appears questionable, announce "BOY OR GIRL?!?!" Your table then commences to speculate on the gender of the person in question. You win if you can definitively prove whether "it" is a boy or a girl.

HINT: Interaction IS allowed. However, you cannot actually ask the person their gender. This is considered a serious breach of the rules and will result in immediate disqualification.

Couple Creepin' (for 2-however many players can handle it)
Sometimes, people think that a college cafeteria is an appropriate place to touch each other. Usually, these people are incredibly unattractive.


What you need:

• Eyes
• Fucking creepy couples
• A strong constitution

Instructions: Identify and point out for your friends/tablemates gross couples engaging in highly inappropriate physical activities (some of these activities include: holding hands while eating, nuzzling, putting scarves on one another, sitting on each other's laps, prolonged goodbyes involving more kissing than anyone ever wanted to see while eating shitty cafeteria food, etc). Watch them until you can't take it anymore. You win if they stop while you're watching. You lose if they catch you creeping. Or in general, actually.


P.S. Taylor would like you to know that babies are NOT dildos.

XOXO,
Gossip Games

A DEAD ZONE THE SIZE OF TEXAS OMG OMG OMG

I'm not sure where this is because I wasn't listening, but that's a fucking big dead zone.

So it's MARCH 24 and we are back after two long and grueling weeks of spring break. It's polar bear class time and we just learned that we're all going to die. Again. This is a common theme in polar bear class, along with GLOBAL WARMING and pixies and shit.

OH SHIT THE SAHARA IS CREEPING SOUTH. Someone stop it before it eats all the babies. Speaking of creeping, apparently things creeped all over the place in Bible times. God was all, "Noah, build a big fucking boat 'cause I'm gonna fuck up your shit, oh p.s. take some of those creeping things that creep along the earth and are creeping." Not even kidding. Also, a direct quote.

GOD DAMN POLAR BEAR CLASS IS LONG. (like my penis lolololololol)

Speaking of ... nothing we were speaking of, let's talk about DREAMS THAT INCLUDE BEARD HOODS AND C-SECTION 1-INCH BABIES.

...

Actually, let's not.

Polar bear class professor: "I love meat. I. LOVE. MEAT."

In other news, Bryn is a pansy-ass bitch.


XOXO,
Gossip Creeps

OH SHIT POLAR BEARS FUCK!!!!!!!! Or, Basically What We're Gonna Do is Dance.

Science is so great. And so sad. :( :( :( :9

ALSO. BUSH MEAT. What is it? Eating monkeys, apparently. (OR GEORGE BUSH'S PENIS?!!????? Shit.)

In other news that is not science, today at lunch we talked a lot about Austin's weiner. Last night, we had a wild wild dance party in our underwear to Katy Perry + Avril Lavigne + High School Musical and it was SO GREAT especially the part where Taylor left for a long time because she hates fun and also the part where probably the Annex kids across from our window saw us in our underwear dance-thrusting all over the place. Unfortunately we forgot to raptor dance, which just means we will have to do it again soon.

Also. Just saying.

Sometimes, in the world, weird shit happens.



XOXO,
Gossip Bears in Our Underwears