GOOD NEWS AMERICA

WE'RE COMING BACK TO YOU IN 4-5 DAYS!!!!!!!

Here is some final advice to Italy:

• Try being more like America.
  

We will miss Italy we guess, but we are super excited to do lots of American things like be fat and drink gross beer and Christmas. Also excited for beer pong and smelling weed through the windows of our glorious room wherever it will be (because wherever it will be there will also be potheads smoking outside our window, obviously) and basically being on a college campus again. Yay college campuses! Yay Holden Annex! Yay Lowry workers! Even you, Linda. (Actually, maybe not you, Linda.) Soon we will see the ugly table again! We've missed the ugly table, as well as the overflow ugly table for those days when one just isn't enough.

Also, the return of Games to Play in the Cafeteria, since we don't even HAVE a cafeteria here, so there's no way to play them. BUT WE WILL SEE YOU SOON Jew-tip, don't you worry. Fox Hat Girl, our return is nigh. Be ready, Teen Wolf. WE'RE COMING.

It has been a ROLLER COASTER OF A SEMESTER LOL so we should probably show you some highlights right now, since usually we were too lazy to blog about them.

FLORENCE, which both is a suckfest of awful and also pretty cool. VENICE which actually has water and stuff, weird. PERUGIA for chocolate, otherwise, not that cool. Actually, still not that cool, wish there was more free chocolate, assholes. Also where that study abroad girl supposedly murdered her roommate because of Satan or whatever. (Whatever = orgy) Probably cause they didn't give her enough free chocolate and she was pissed/horny for the devil. PISA/BOLOGNA, it's been real. Real train station-y. That's about it for you guys. SAN GIMINGIDSNIGDSNKLO, please get a different name, hard to spell, and we don't like it. San Gimignano, maybe. Something. Whatever. Anyway your towers were kinda okay. WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO VOLTERRA AND SEEN ALL THE VAMPIRES, but clearly we're idiots. We already told y'all about FALL BREAK OH NINE. MAREMMA where olives suck but the Mediterranean is pretty great and full of NAKED GIRLS OH YEAH. We went to Pienza, also, for like half a second when we were all tired after Maremma, it was okay.

If we went other places, OOOPS they probably sucked cause we forgot them.

(Alison went to Rome, it was okay, there was a creepy cripple on a skateboard that kinda sucked.)

BUT NOW it's time for AMERICA YEAH. Here is a list of things for real we are looking forward to, because we're all about lists:

• Dogs
  
• Peanut butter
• Peanut butter
• Mexican food
• Thai food
• Indian food
• Vietnamese food
• Not Italian food
• Fake Italian food at Italian restaurants
  
• Family I guess
• BOOZIN
• COLLEDGE
• CHRISTMAS AND PRESENTS
• A dwindling presence of Catholicism
• Trees
• Nature
• ENGLISH
• ENGLISH ENGLISH ENGLISH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT
• Snow?... undecided
• Cars
• FREINZ
• MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN that don't wear hair gel or skinny jeans or man purses.
  

Probably other stuff, too. But it is lunch time, blog.

XOXO,
GOSSIP AMERICANZ

HOT DAMN, has it really been a MONTH?

(No. It has been MORE than a month.)

HELLO AMERICA. First off, we'd like to thank you for giving us 16 followers. Seriously? Best. This is to you, followers. The longest entry of ever. (Unless we get bored.)

HERE IS THE STORY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: FALL BREAK OH NINE. And thankfully we kept a list of things to blog about, because we knew you'd want to know.

SO once upon a time, we went to Spain and Scotland. BUT FIRST, we had to go to Bologna to catch an airplane. We went there at very early in the morning. Like really early. We decided we would be good travelers and use all that extra time to see what exciting things Bologna had to offer.

Instead, we sat in McDonald's for like 3 hours. Seriously. It was the best. Not only were the bacon and gross meat hamburgers and chicken nuggets and fries fantastic (and holy shit they actually have fountain sodas! like soda NOT from a can!), but we also played a super game called: "Why the hell do they have a secret code for the bathroom, also it is 18, also let's tell everyone who didn't buy food what it is because it's on all the receipts and then they can go pee and we are good citizens and good people forever lol no one can figure out to push enter, isn't this hilarious?"

It was without a doubt the best time either of us have ever had in a McDonald's. And in Bologna. Also way better than looking at art or whatever we would have been doing otherwise. I hear there was a nice square, actually. We saw a bit of it when we sat on the fountain waiting to go to lunch cause it was still too early way too quickly.

AND THEN we got on the plane and it was super great and we giggled like schoolgirls (we ARE schoolgirls) when the plane took off and giggled more that everyone clapped when we landed. It was awesome. RYANAIR IS AWESOME except it is ugly. Also they spend the whole flight trying to sell you shit, like booze and cologne and smokeless cigarettes, which what the hell does that mean anyway?

SO THEN we sat at the airport for a bit and then got on the bus that went to Girona, Spain when the very most epic thing ever ever ever in our lives (I hope it never happens again) happened. Lindsay, smartest person ever, left her purse on the bus and got off the bus and walked along the road for a little while before realizing EFFING SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCKER FUCK SHIT she left it. WHAT A DUMMY. So then we started half running, half hobbling like large agitated turtles carrying very heavy luggage back towards the bus station. SUDDENLY at the corner of the road we spotted the bus station and the bus was there and we THREW DOWN OUR LUGGAGE and Lindsay, slowest runner, sat on all of it while Alison, fastest runner, RAN to the bus JUST AS IT WAS PULLING OUT (that's what she said) and banged on the door so it would stop and the bus driver, angry and Spanish, gave her the purse which, in case you were wondering, had in it minorly important things like passport, money, EVERYTHING IMPORTANT LET'S BE REAL. It was... exciting.

SO THEN we learned there were even more ways to flush toilets in Europe. Seriously, Europe, what the hell is up with your toilets? There are SO MANY KINDS I don't get it.

THE NEXT DAY, after a relaxing night in our hostel when our 6 teenage Spanish roommates returned drunk to our room at 5 in the morning giggling loudly and shushing each other every 3 seconds (but they still turned the lights on, thanks guys), we went to Barcelona. Ahhh, Barcelona. But it was an adventure getting there because there were CULTS of Spanish youths on the train. (I suppose that is what we get for traveling around Halloween, wtf.) All the children youths teenagers gross were wearing crazy ass costumes or they just dressed weirdly whatever, and they TRIED TO KILL US WITH THEIR EYES and it was actually not bad at all, but the toilets on the train were really gross. People peed all over them. Otherwise though Spanish trains kicked the asses of Italian trains. COME ON Italy. Maybe clean a train once and a while, eh?

SO THEN Catalan sucks.

AND THEN we went to the Picasso museum. It was FOR FREEZ because of the first sunday of the month or whatever, which was pretty great. WHILE WE WERE THERE SITTING BECAUSE WALKING IS REAL HARD we had a great epiphany. WE FIGURED OUT WHY PICASSO IS SO FUCKING WEIRD GUYS. NO SERIOUSLY. And here is the answer, because we think you can handle it. Ok, so he was really fucking good at art like when he was in the womb, even, I think, and he just popped out making handprint collages probably, they just haven't found those yet. Anyway, so when he was like 7 he was making awesome pictures and drawings and so by the time he got old, obvi he was bored with that shit. Seriously, how many paintings of scenery can you do before you are like OK, I'm awesome, now what? So clearly the next logical step was to start painting people with like 3 heads shaped like triangles and 7 eyes and shit. ALSO, we determined that his mom got real fed up with how he started painting so weird so she would only buy him a couple colors of paint at a time so that is why everything is like only red and blue or yellow and green or whatever.

Really though, can't you picture it (if not I am about to do it for you):

Picasso: Hot damn, I am the best at art. I wonder what people would look like with three heads that are triangles?
P Mom: What the hell kind of drugs are you on?
Picasso: Oh my god, mom, I just want to express myself.
P Mom: Express yourself without purple, asshole.
Picasso: God damn.
P Mom: Seriously, no more drugs or no more paint.
Picasso: Whatever, mom. I'm gonna paint you with square eyes coming out of your nose.
P Mom: Do it! See if I care, drug son.

I'm pretty sure that's exactly how it happened.

SO THEN we went to the Gaudi park that he made for rich people to go play in and be rich and stuff. We decided that Gaudi was probably an alien NO REALLY we even saw someone dressed as an alien there and by dressed we mean it was a real alien. (P.S. When we saw Barcelona we were with Angela and Megan K, it was great. Forgot that, oops. Love you guys lolololol). ANYWAY Gaudi = looking for aliens. That is the important message here.

AND THEN we had fabulous food with the lovely aforementioned ladies and then we were like omgweresotiredandlazy so we decided to catch the next train back to Girona where our hostel was waiting for us (we would learn later, the teens were gone!) and so we left with like ten, fifteen minutes before that train and we were like, yeaaaaah, we got this, no biggie. So we were on the metro when ANOTHER EPIC STORY HOLY SHIT we looked at our clocks and were like OH EFF ONLY LIKE SEVEN MINUTES and the fast walking power walking maniacs that we are, we... had to stay on the metro more minutes. Then when we got to the train station we had to walk like 1700000 miles because the Barcelona train station is FUCKING HUGE like my peen. And THEN we were looking at the schedule board thing and we were like NONE OF THESE TRAINS ARE GOING TO GIRONA WTF so we got in line at the information kiosk and some bitchass old lady tried to cut us in line but we were like AW HELL NO and then we asked the information dude which train to get on and he was like THAT ONE GO RIGHT NOW IT IS LEAVING so we RAN ALL THE WAY TO THE TRAIN and jumped on it and were like IS THIS SHIT GOING TO GIRONA and the people on it were like YEP so then we sat down across from some black dude and he laughed at us. MORE IMPORTANTLY just as we got on that train the fucking doors shut, hell yes it was that close it was soooo epic you wouldn't believe. And we giggled most of the ride home then we calmed down and were really tired and lazy again.

BUT ON THE TRAIN ALSO we planned our budget because we were about to play a game called: "Let's fucking not get money out again, we have like sixteen euros between us, right, also how much does food cost, three four more meals wtf, and also grocery stores, where are they, whatever, fuck getting money out. OH HAY what are words in Catalan (fucking Catalan) mm ham and cheese and bread and WHAT IS THIS YOGURT GROSS WHAT IS IN IT IT IS SO CHUNKY (I'm going to try to eat it anyway omg this is terrible and no, mixing the two flavors does not help), also, omg we have enough money for champagne or some shit that maybe this is you can't tell cause it's in CATALANFUCKINGCATALANWHATISTHATLANGUAGE lol let's sit outside our window on a pretend balcony that is actually just kind of a big ledge and eat" and it was great. Also we watched 10 Things I Hate About You (on an iPod with speakers in a plastic cup, legit) instead of being real tourists but WE WERE SICK, OK??? (This is the trip where we got sick. We are maybe still sick, don't ask.) Anyway, watching movies > culture, duh.

BUT IT WAS OK cause we played all around Girona the next day and saw the coolest shit, seriously, you should be jealous. Like, not even kidding. BEST CITY fuck Barcelona, they try to steal your life.

Then we almost missed our plane to Scotland because Alison doesn't know what military time is. It felt epic, but really wasn't. We still got to the airport with plenty of time, but not with PLENTY PLENTY time, like we had wanted. Fucking military time, dude. 24 hours, who does that? (Shut up, Europe. We know you do that.)

ANYWAY the point is SCOTLAND FUCKING RULED. (Spain was awesome, but SCOTLAND DID FUCKING RULE SO TRUE.) Did you know that UK men are BEAUTIFUL (sometimes, but far more often than in Italy, let's be realzies). We went to this pub near our hostel (WHICH WAS NEXT DOOR TO A FUCKING CASTLE btw) the first night and it was so yummy, and I mean the boys, not the food, but the food was yummy too. HOT DAMN IT WAS GREAT. Also, Lindsay got carded because apparently she doesn't look old enough to SIT in a pub. Not even ordering booze, wtf.

ANYWAY so we were right next to this CASTLE right, how cool is that, fucking CASTLES OK AND IT WAS THE CASTLE THAT INSPIRED JKROWLING IT WAS HOGWARTS FUCKING HOGWARTS WE WENT TO HOGWARTS (not the same as in the movie, not important).

Oh wait, and can we talk about how first night a boy tried to climb in bed with Lindsay? Let's talk about that. Ok, yes, she's hot as fuck, but come on, really, climbing in bed? (Ok, real reason is that we both got assigned that bed, stupid desk, but at least Lindsay got a free breakfast she didn't eat out of it, am I right?) and it led to meeting THE BEST AUSTRALIANS EVER/only Australians we've met. Actually, pretty much everyone we met in Scotland was Australian with the exception of this one American kid who was a total dick so he doesn't count. Some of the Australians were also Italian weird. (Can't get away from Italy ever again, I think is what this means, not that we totes want to, but just a little sometimes, you know?)

AND ONCE WE MADE BED FRIENDS we went on the epic hunt for THE ELEPHANT ASS CAFE (which we had heard about from Ben, who is also awesome, who we visited because he was in Scotland and he made us try whisky that was good and stuff weird). THIS ELEPHANT ASS CAFE (not real name, but we forgot at the time) was SOMEWHERE and we were like EFF, WHERE I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE HEY LOOK A MUSEUM, wanna go inside? So we did, even though it was closing in like 25 minutes, but whatev, how much Scottish history is there? (The answer is: way more than you'd think, like 7 floors or some shit.) So we were wandering around when this South African (are there actually any people from Scotland in Scotland????) was like where are the stairs there's a cool look out point on the roof! And we were like... no clue, but we are going with you! Awesome! WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN DINGYDINGYBUZZ I forget the noise, but it was a FIRE ALARM OH SHIT and we all got escorted out of the building and it didn't actually catch on fire, I don't know what it was about, but we were out on the streets and there... looking at us, there just down the street! was...

THE ELEPHANT ASS CAFE. (Actually, it's called the Elephant House, but whatevs.) In case you don't know, this is an extremely important cafe. You know those books, what are they called again, Harry Otter? Hairy Pothead? HELL NAW HARRY POTTER YOU KNOW THOSE BOOKS everyone knows those books. ANYWAY JK ROWLING WENT THERE AND WROTE THOSE BOOKS ON NAPKINS BACK WHEN SHE WAS POOR AND A SINGLE MOM AND SHIT. So we made the pilgrimage to the Mecca that is The Elephant House and it was SO COOL SERIOUSLY elephants were everywhere (not real) and there was a great view of the castle and the hot chocolate was the best ever esp with all the marshmallows and it was just the best atmosphere and WE PROBABLY PEED IN THE SAME POTTIES JK ROWLING PEED IN HOW EXCITING IS THAT?????? Also we maybe might have stolen some napkins. Not nerdy. Def not nerdy.

SO THEN we gave up on being tourists after seeing like three museums or something and climbing hills and just ran around and sometimes sat around Scotland except that FIRST BEFORE WE GOT LAZY AND WERE TERRIBLE TOURISTS WE WENT ON THE BEST PUB CRAWL IN THE WORLD. Since we had made fabulous Australian friends, we hung out with them and then went on the pub crawl with them and forty other of our closest nearby hostel friends (yeah, we didn't know them, but whatever it was GREAT) and were out for EIGHT HOURS IT WAS SO GREAT. In Scotland they start drinking at like morning, but the pub crawl started at 8:30 and we went to bed at fucking 4:30 in the morning, we are so intense. Esp because we were dying of swine flu at the time, but what does that matter when it comes to BOOZE HMM? SPEAKING OF BOOZE IT WAS SO GOOD AND CHEAP OMG. In Scotland they have this shit called Irnbru (for real how it is spelled) and it is kind of like cream soda but not shitty and they put vodka in it and it is the best thing ever. Also cranberry shits (we are girls okay). Hey, we also had jaeger bombs, shit, don't forget about that even though that was like 7 drinks in. Probably more. The Australians kept peer-pressuring us into drinking more. It was soooo sad / the best time ever. HOT DAMN I WANT TO GO BACK RIGHT NOW fuck Italy.

IN CLOSING, when you travel in Europe, always use Ryanair because they are so excited to land that there is always lots of applause. BEST FALL BREAK EVER.

xoxo,
Gossip IRNBRU

P.S. No pictures, but a thousand words, so what do you need a picture for, anyway?
P.P.S. Apologies to dyslexics.

DEAR AMERICA

And also Italy,

We are going to go to Spain and Scotland for a few days, because we prefer countries that start with S's.

With love,
Gossip SSSSSsssssnakes?

P.S. COMING SOON: Venice Florence (how it sucks and all the hott boyz we met there) Life OUTSIDE of Italy (and America) and SO MUCH MORE.

"EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME, YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU! BABY!"

quoth the Italians, evermore. (But only Italian men. Italian women just look at you like you just rolled in mud or something or smell really bad. WHATEVER ITALIAN WOMEN, just 'cause you're hott don't mean you gotta be bitchazzz.)

Here is a story about Italy and the way weather works. For many weeks it will be roughly 1 billion degrees (80) and then all of a sudden out of nowhere it's like 50 forever. AND THERE IS NO HEATZ INDOORS. Not until November because they care about the environment so it's the law or some shit. We would rather the polar bears died so we could be warm.

FA FREDDISSISSISSIMO. (It's really fucking cold.)

ANYWAY AMERICA, what up? Here in Italy things have been pretty okay lately. Like, last weekend we went to an agriturismo (TOURIST FARM KIND OF LIKE DWIGHT'S BEET FARM BUT WITHOUT AN IRRIGATION ROOM) and watched them make olive oil and gross cheese in a bucket for a thousand hours. This sucked, so instead of paying attention we took a lot of pictures of the Tuscan wildlife, such as chickens. Seriously who wants to watch an old dude up to his elbows in cheese you're going to eat later? Not me. There was also a really great dog. (THIS PICTURE IS REAL IT IS THE REAL DOG IT IS SO REAL.)

OH WAIT ALSO here is how you harvest olives: you rake trees over a blanket. The end. (SO FUN RIGHT????????)

We have also been learning a lot about ART. Like, did you know there was a famous Sienese artist (or as famous as Sienese artists ever are, anyway) whose nickname was "The Sodomist"??? Apparently doin' it in the butt was totally cool back then. People were like, "Oh, this dude does it in the butt all the time. Also he makes really good art. Let's call him The Sodomist and let him paint in all our important buildings! God will love it." Actually, Siena has never really been that into God much. Like there are these paintings in this SECRET CRYPT under the cathedral or whatever that are all about Jesus going to school and eating figs and shit. That shit totally wouldn't fly somewhere else where they actually liked God, such as Florence (Florence sucks). (For real, worst city ever.) (WORST.) (Ever.) There's also this really great painting in some former hospital dealio where this lady is holding a baby that looks like a tiny old man and he has her boob out and he's pointing it at this crippled dude like he's totally going to squirt him in his crippled face. Best.

Also once there was a naked Eve statue in the fountain but then the plague hit and everyone was like "SHIT why is the plague here???? Probz naked EVESINNERBITCH. Get rid of her." So they did, which is sad, because I kind of wanted to look at a naked chick everyday in the campo. Also, everyone died anyway so it didn't really help much in the end. (Seriously. The plague bitchslapped 80 percent of Siena. In a dead way.)

Did we mention that it's FUCKING COLD???? Seriously, who has to wear babushka scarves INSIDE IN FLLALAAALLL AUTUMN. Us. That is the answer. We look like two little old blogging ladies blogging in the dead of a Russian winter or something. I AM WEARING TIGHTS UNDER MY PANTS. AND undies. (No undies.)

OK so also this weekend we went to the BEST GARDEN EVER. Once upon a time there was a cracked out lady with a name that doesn't matter and she made a shitload of fucked up statues based off of tarot cards. They all had the hugest boobs. Or three penises. So naturally we appreciated this fine art by climbing all over it and taking a lot of obnoxious pictures and putting them on facebook. So if you want to check out the crazy boob sculptures, check our facebooks. If you are not facebook friends with us, TOO BAD FOR YOU. Hookers.

Also we sincerely hope that our blogging antics have not cost Brin Rainflower Sunbeam Petunia Waterfall Tree Turtle Hunter Rainbow Pigeon a job. Because we love him and would never want to ruin his life in such a way. (In other ways, potentially. HEY BRIN WHATCHA DOIN FOR SPRING BREAK????? NOT THAT YOU HAVE THOSE ANYMORE BUT WE DO LET'S HANG OUT)

THIS ENTRY IS SO LONG (that's what she said) and so we're gonna wrap it up.

FUN FACT: Just like the blogging on this blog in olden days, we have been blogging IN CLASS YES. SUCK IT ITALIAN.

XOXO,
Gossip Babushkas

THE PALIO: whatitwas and whatitisnow

Okay, so here's the deal: there are these things in Siena called contrade (this word in American language is "contradas"). They are basically neighborhoods but with badass animal mascots and cool flags and shit. Sometimes certain contrade hate other contrade for some reason that is probably like 50000 years old. (I have a guess for why la torre has two enemies and is the only contrada to have two enemies. The answer is JEWS. Catholics hate Jews and, weirdly enough, Italy is Catholic.) Every year, the contrade all get together and race horses around the Campo, which is way too small to race horses around. Sometimes horses fall down and people get trampled and stuff. It's pretty exciting. BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS THIS WAY.

Once upon a time, in Siena, there was a big battle between Florence and Siena and SIENA FUCKING WON THAT SHIT even though there were way more Florentines fighting. It is because they asked Mary for help and promised to worship her forever if she helped out. Which she did, because I guess she is also badass. (Even though she got Jesus without sex.) Mary's way of helping was to be all, "Hey guys, just totally go kill all the Florentines in their sleep, it's totally cool." And Siena responded, "K." And so it was.

To remember this awesome feat and how super Mary's advice was, Siena has the Palio. Also one time when Italy was all depressed the Medici family was all, "I'm sorry you guys are sad and the country sucks. How about you just have another Palio in August. Drown your sorrows in contrada dinners." And Siena responded, "K." And so it was.

BUT BEFORE THE FOR REAL PALIO, there were lots of fake Palios. INCLUDING ONE IN WHICH PEOPLE RODE BUFFALO. COOLEST SHIT EVER. Seriously. They raced buffalo around the campo. How super would it be to see that. "Oh hey, what's up?" "Oh, not too much, just gonna race around some buffalo or some shit." "Yeah man, that's cool. I'm pickin up what you're puttin down." "Word."

Then for whatever reason Siena was like, fuck buffalos. Let's race DONKEYS FOREVER. And so they did. But it went more like this: "Oh hey, what's up?" "Oh, not too much, just gonna race around some donkeys or some shit." "Oh that sounds ok." And then it wasn't because donkeys don't race. Assholes. (ASSholes. Get it??????) So then finally it occurred to people that maybe they should race racehorses. So they did. There are 17 contrade and only 10 get to race, though, because like we said the campo just can't fit all those motherfuckers. There's some method to how they pick who races, but we didn't really get it, it sounded like bullshit. Anyway, winning the Palio(z) is a real big deal and everybody gets all excited and has like 170000 parades every day until someone else wins another Palio and then THEY have parades and basically it's parades all the time up in here. Hell, even the teams that don't win have parades, because they can. They all have kickass parading outfits (can you say MANTIGHTS????) and flags and drums and it's beautiful always.

After the Palio they have a million other things like big parties and dinners and all sorts of shit we don't even know about because we aren't in a contrada. (You have to be baptized in, FYI.)

SPEAKING OF BAPTISMS, fun fact: The horses are all baptized in the churches of their represented contrada before they race. Also if they poop in the church, that's good luck. Obviously. Other strange things: A horse can win without a rider, but a horse cannot win without its contrada headband. Both of these things have happened in the past. (How pissed would you be if your motherfucking horse won but the asshole wasn't wearing its hairpiece? Fucking shit.)

Siena also used to play other games back in the day besides racing the most random animals they could get their hands on. Lots of these games involved roleplaying, but not in a sexy way. Half the people would pretend to be Florence and the other half would play Siena, and then they would beat the shit out of each other until people died. (For real. We exaggerate a lot, but this is not one of those times.) Eventually these games were stopped because people died.

Another splendid and classy game they played was "Release a bull in the campo and you can't leave until you eat a really big lunch." Literally.

They played some shit where they just punched and kicked and bit each other to avoid killing each other, also, but I bet some people still kicked it sometimes. A good punch to the nose can do a bitch in.

The moral of this story, basically, is that Siena is the best place ever.

XOXO,
Gossip Buffalo

PS: If you want to be in a contrada, here are your animal options: elephant (best), ram (ok sometimes), snail, caterpiller (worst), dolphin, dragon, owl, rhino, leocorn (whatever the fuck that is), two headed eagle, panther, turtle, shell (not even fucking alive), porcupine, giraffe (shut up, Taylor), DINOSAUR (we wish), she-wolf (complete with teats yessssss), OR goose (suxorz).

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO,
Gossip DINORHINOS

ITALY IS BEAUTIFULISSIMO (ALMOST AS MUCH AS OHIO)

Dear America,

We have been spending a lot of time in Italy lately (don't be offended lol), and we decided that we need to let you know some things. As we all know, FASHUN and PEEING are two important things. So we are going to talk about them.

PEEING IN ITALY (where, how to, and WHY)

WHERE TO PEE: Dude. Fuck if I know. It is one of the great mysteries of Italy. Some places will let you go in and pee for free, but mostly they are shady places like the Bar Birreria. Also we're pretty sure they're only okay with it because we have boobs. (Including Logan.) You can also pay 50 euro cents to some creepy old lady in a shady alleyway behind the campo. Legit. Restaurants and things will also let you pee for free, but only if you buy a lot of shit from them first. (And then you have to pee double, so it's a losing situation, pretty much.) Basically, the entirity of your day should be planned around how often you have to pee and where the free places are.

HOW TO PEE (read "flush"): The great thing about Italian potties (AND SINKS!) is that every one is different. Every time you pee, it's an adventure and a test of your intelligence and rapid decision-making skills under pressure. FOR EXAMPLE: My potty at home has a stick out of the wall that looks like you should push it down. That doesn't work. Then you think, well maybe I could turn it? False. What you actually do is push it into the wall. Well, first you pull it out and then you push it in. Other potties have the pipe bits mounted very high on the wall with a little metal tab sticking out of the bottom that you have to push up. Some potties have huge buttons on the wall. Even more potties have chains you pull. How adventurous! The ways to flush a potty are endless, and I think probably there is a group of Italians who sit around all day brainstorming new ways to confuse the masses. Dirty bastards. (BASTERDSLOLBRADPITTANDSHIT.)

ALSO, not only are there 17001 ways to flush the toilet in Italy, some places ALSO have foot-operated sinks. Actually, it's pretty nice to have a foot-operated sink (once you know they exist, because before that you just hit the faucet until the few remaining drops of water from the person who did know how to work the sink come out. Also you spend way too long waving your hands under the faucet in hopes that it is secretly one of those motion-sensor deals. You probably also twist the faucet and poke at other parts of the sink for a long time, soap already on your hands wondering what the fuck you're supposed to do, and why are there paper towels if the god damn sink is broken anyway, and shouldn't they have posted an out of order sign, for fuck's sake?) because the other sinks' handles usually don't work well and the water drips forever, or also sometimes the sink SQUAWKS at you like a dirty whore for using water, and it's just an all around stressful situation. Anyway, foot-pedal sinks are pretty cool.

WHY: Vino, man. Also those strawberry drinks that are pretty much just vodka and sugar and a coupla strawberry bits.

WASN'T THAT LESSON FUN?????!!?!?!???!

Let's learn about fashion! Hell yes.

FASHION IN ITALIA

PURPLE: If you are not wearing it right now, you are probably really lame and have no friends. Also, it has to be the right SHADE of purple. None of that royal bullshit. Lilac all the way. Even on the gentlemen. (And by gentlemen I mean skeezy greasy-haired Italians, since that is mostly what we encounter.)

That is pretty much it on fashion.

XOXO,
Gossip Flushers

WHAT UP AMERICA

HEY GURL HEY. (ciao, ragazza, ciao!) Blogging from Italy again. It'll probably be like that for a while.

It is real hot in Italy right now. We're estimating about a billion degrees or so (celcius, obv). Our thighs are sticking together like nobody's business. (It's real attractive, boyz. Come to Italy lololololol.) Speaking of attractive, we have toured Siena probably a thousand times with different professors and I'm pretty sure that I'm permanently going to have cankles. Hope y'all are into that. (For the record, the bloggers would like to state that only half of them are developing cankles. You can guess which half.) (And the cankles are only during the day. At night they go away. And you know that night time is the sexy time anyway.)

ANYWAY, less about the gross things our bodies do when it is real hot and more about how super great Italy is. One of our primary activities in Italy is eating gelato. We do this every day. So far we have resisted the temptation to do it multiple times a day, but our resolve is falling fast, unlike our weight. (HOW MANY KG DO I WEIGH????? I HAVE NO IDEA. WTF IS A KG???????)

In Italian class we are learning many things, like what is a verb. (It is an action word, for those of you at home who don't keep up with English.) (Peter.) Also, in case you ever need to call someone a dirty slut in Italian, we can totally tell you how. We have priorities. Also we can count (sort of).

Today's lesson on Italy will be about how to eat. The first step in eating is to get a ton more food than everyone around you, mostly just because you are a guest. Eat it. There is no other option, because if you don't eat it, then your host mother will think you hate her. Also, don't feel weird when they watch you eat. It is totes normal. They will never stop watching you, actually. In Italy it is apparently a thing to stare at people on the street. The best is that it's always creepy men, and they always look real mad, like maybe you ate their baby or something. Or your contrada beat their contrada during the Palio. EVEN WORSE. (FUN FACT: More praying goes on before the Palio than any other time during the year. Italians are v. serious about their Catholic bullshit.)

Back to eating. After you eat 12 plates of pasta they will take away your bowl and put some meat and veggies on your plate. To make them happy, eat this, too. Also the 17 types of fruit that come after that, plus dessert, if it's offered. Sometimes dessert consists of super alcoholic lemon shit. It is good, so no worries there.

Right now our host mommies have been packing us lunches like we are 7, but next week we have to start making our own. This will involve many grand adventures to the grocery store (otherwise known as "Conad" lololol). Stay tuned for updates.

OH SPEAKING OF WHICH LINDSAY TOTALLY GOT CARDED BUYING WINE AT THE GROCERY STORE IN CASE ANYONE HASN'T HEARD BECAUSE SHE IS SECRETLY (OR NOT SO SECRETLY LOLOL) TWELVE.

Shit damn.


With much love
(XOXO),

GOSSIP CONADS